I debated whether or not to write this here or on the Substack, but the blog ultimately won out. This is kind of deep, so it’s maybe not the right fit for the ol’ stack. This will be a bit long, so if you’re hoping for a quick read, you might want to set it aside for later. I have a lot of feelings clamoring around inside me and I’m going to get wordy. I know me. Apologies in advance.
So recently, I retired my pen name Twisted Libra. I spent the last six years building this name. I had a website, photography gallery, podcast, wrote four books, and had active social media under that persona. It was not an easy decision, and I undoubtedly annoyed most of those who know me personally by going on and on about it. (I’m assuming; no one has complained thus far.)
Now, I find myself faced with the realization that I had allowed that persona to infiltrate my own life. I lost sight of who I was while trying to be what I thought everyone expected. You may have read about this in my previous post, which touched on the subject of this post. Twisted Libra was a creepy, gothic, deeply dark individual who lived in a cemetery, listened to loud metal (known affectionately as “screamy-screamy”), only read horror fiction, wore all black, and revelled in all things stressy-depressy. When I finally let go of her for good, it felt as though I was taking a huge gulp of air after suffocating for far too long. I had let so many parts of myself fall to the wayside. I hadn’t been Kelly Michelle; I had actually become Twisted Libra. I also had not been happy. I suppose my subconscious always knew I wasn’t being true to myself. I was stepping into a persona rather than living authentically. So, was the last six years all a lie?
Not entirely. I, too, enjoy dark things. I have a lifelong fondness for old cemeteries. I enjoy my screamy-screamy. I like to wear black. I love spooky season. However, these are just facets of an entire human being. Over the last few weeks, I have been slowly rediscovering Kelly Michelle. Music, books, movies…I no longer feel backed into a corner. Too many times, I allowed the assumed expectations of others to influence what I wore, what I read, what I listened to, etc. This caused me to lose touch with things I truly enjoy. It negatively affected my writing, as I often stopped myself from creating anything unless it fit the Twisted Libra mold. Held back is an understatement.
Who is Kelly Michelle? Well, I’m not a goth. Not completely. I would call myself “goth-adjacent.” Yes, I mostly wear black, but I’m not afraid of a hint of color now and then. And not every outfit needs to look like it’s from 1897. The Victorian era is fascinating, but it isn’t the end all, be all. I also have eclectic taste in music. I grew up listening to many genres, and I continue to do so. Yes…this includes country. But in all honesty, I prefer mostly 80s and 90s country and I don’t know anything about any modern country artists. I typically listen to country when I’m feeling nostalgic for home, or actually visiting home. I enjoy comedy movies, action movies, and the occasional drama. I do admit to being completely anti-romcom, just like Twisted Libra. We agree on that. I read horror, but also biographies and essays. I am branching out into recommended reads by asking friends for suggestions. This will get me out of that trusty comfort zone. Basically, not everything about me is dark and dreary; my mental health actually suffered these last six years. Bringing back my eclectic tastes has definitely lifted my spirits.
Mental health? Was it truly that bad? Well, yeah. It was. But I didn’t realize it until recently. Being her – Twisted Libra – took a toll on me – Kelly Michelle. I inadvertently sequestered myself into a specific niche, and this didn’t allow me to fully express myself. Dark clothes, dark music, dark poems…all that darkness smothered the spark inside me. Writing began to feel like a chore, as did the podcast and the keeping up of appearances. I thought the fix was to simply embrace Twisted Libra publically, while still keeping Kelly Michelle as a silent partner. This backfired. Horribly. I still felt the expectation to live as she would. My social media was filled with dark themes and staged depictions of the goth lifestyle. None of it felt real. I didn’t feel real. I finally had to admit that the persona was limiting me. Retirement was the only option. Do I regret her? Never. She walked so I could run. It’s just that I no longer need the shielding she provided. I am ready to be myself and create what I want.
These days, I feel like what I do is with purpose. My writing, my photos, everything. It finally feels real. I’m happy. Don’t misunderstand…I do have chronic depression and have been dealing with that affliction my entire life. I didn’t even know what it was until I was in my 20s. Sometimes I get dark, but I can also get bright and sparkly! And I’m funny. Goddamn funny. Ask anyone who knows me in real life. Now I write about what’s in my soul, not what I feel others will expect. No worries about acceptance; my tribe will always find me. This entire experience was so much more than simply shedding a pen name. It was finding myself. It was breaking free from a self-imposed prison. Kelly Michelle has found her voice. She’s happy. She’s miles away from the sad, scared individual who created Twisted Libra. Let me be clear: there is no villain here. Twisted Libra was (is) an amazing part of my life. She’s accomplished her task, and it’s time for me to step forward and carry on for myself. I will always love her, but I no longer need her to protect me. Twisted Libra is officially retired. I am profoundly excited to see what the future holds for me now.
Until next time…
Voices In My Head 